Funnies (Story)

 

 

Stuff I found while surfing online or reading emails. Let me know if you think any of these belong in another category.

 

Miscellaneous

  • What's the sweetest thing that a guy/girl ever said to you ?
    "It's bigger than I expected"
    Credits: solid, Jjlove, and |-blush-|
  • There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary, and those who don't
  • The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.
    - A Yale University management professor in response to student Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went on to found Fed Ex.)
  • Experience is a tough teacher...it gives you the test first, then teaches you the lessons.
  • If failure is the absence of knowing, how does one know if you have failed?
  • What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
    ...
    Dam.
  • so one day, this guy walks into a bar.... and said, "ouch"
  • Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."
  • A bird was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the bird, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The bird answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the bird, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
    Credits: darkmatta91
  • A man is in a room and the door is locked so he can't get out. He has with him a piano, a calander, and a bed. How does he eat drink and get out?
    Answer: He uses the dates from the calander to eat, the springs from the bed to drink and the keys from the piano to get out.

 

24 hours to live

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please. just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear." And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & fall asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.Do you think we could . . ."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen I have to get up in the morning -- you don't."

Credits: solid and YoOyOobee

 

As I lay in bed thinking of you...

As I lay in bed thinking of you...
I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my body...you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...
...you f*king mosquito.

Credits: finklfan and dDuKbOkKi and solid

 

Having a bad day?

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know.

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "a$$hole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an a$$hole!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program?"

"No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

[Keep reading this, it gets better!]

Some time later I was looking for a parking spot at the shopping center. An old lady really took her time pulling out of a parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great", I thought, "she's finally leaving."

All of a sudden this black BMW comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping center as if I didn't even exist. I thought to myself, "This guy's another asshole; there sure are a lot of a$$holes in this world."

Then, I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the phone number. Then, I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an a$$hole!" (It's really easy since I have his number on speed dial now.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW there on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings, someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Sure..." "Don, you're an a$$hole!" And I slammed the phone down.

Then, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. I must say, for a while things seemed to be going much better for me. Now, when I had a problem I had two a$$holes to call.

Then, after several months of calling the a$$holes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with this

solution:

First, I had my phone speed dial a$$hole #1.

A man answered nicely, "Hello?"

I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" but I didn't hang up.

The asshole said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "Make me."

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

So I told him, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole!" and I hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

Don Hansen answered, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, a$$hole."

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your a$$."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, a$$hole." And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was on my way to 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got there. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious satisfaction! Watching two a$$holes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Now you know what to do if you have a really bad day.

Credits: shugorei and solid

 

The Hitman

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked
if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at
the guy and said, "Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious
about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told
them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry
it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure
enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited
and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit
man replied, "Sure."

So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can
even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't
she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for
a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I
want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me
and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis,
just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was
looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really
impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"

The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a thousand
bucks!"

Credits: Aoshi Shinomori and solid

 

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Credits: dDuKbOkKi, solid, and Happiness is Bliss

 

Why you should do your homework

A sixth grade science teacher named Mr. Sampson asks his class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student that looks his way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "Sir, how dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mr. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. He asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mr. Sampson.

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mr. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Credits: youngjoon and solid

 

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't
feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to
breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and
say "Happy Birthday" and probably a present for me.

Forget "Happy Birthday", She didn't even say "Good
Morning".

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children
will remember."

Children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

I started to the office I was feeling pretty low.

As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said,
"Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my
door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day
outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've
heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't
go where we normally go; we went out to the country to
a little private place. We had two martinis and
enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to
the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After
arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I think I'll go change."

"Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes,
she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all
singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

 

Sherlock Holmes camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.
What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a moment.
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, deduce that the time is a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorogically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Why?
What does it tell you? Holmes was quiet for a minute, then spoke.
...
Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!

 

Nine months later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

...

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Credits: Molo and solid

 

Apology from Canada

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the
United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently
and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice
of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron
shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like
you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than
you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and
better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse
would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours even
though you used some Canadian players on your teams.

I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice
you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but,
we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against
a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize
it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but
that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly
apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a
thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this.
We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Credits: feedme and solid

 

101%

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving
more than 100%...

We've all been to those meetings where someone wants
over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here is a little math that might prove helpful

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is
represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 75= 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5= 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20= 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge
will get you close, attitude will get you there, but
bullshit will put you over the top!

And look how far

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7= 118%

 

Survey from UN

A survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please

give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure. In Africa, they did not know what "food" meant. In Western Europe,

they did not know what "shortage" meant. In Eastern Europe, they did not know what "opinion"

meant. In the Middle East, they did not know what "solution" meant. In South America, they did not

know what "please" meant. In Asia, they did not know what "honest" meant. And in the USA, they

did not know what "THE REST OF THE WORLD" means.

Credits: solid and kevindori

 

Island in the Middle of Nowhere

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman -
Two French men and one French woman -
Two German men and one German woman -
Two Greek men and one Greek woman -
Two English men and one English woman -
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman -
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman -
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman -
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a menage a trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them
to the English woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting
instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in
order to supply employees for their store.
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and
set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because
it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey.
However,they're satisfied because the English aren't having any
fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the
American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body,
the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin,
how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than
they do,and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of
all her problems, and why didn't they bring a god daamn cell phone so
they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this
god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of fuucking nowhere so she can get
her nails done and go shopping.

Credits: solid and kevindori

 

Globalization

QUESTION: What is a clear example of globalization?
ANSWER: Princess Diana's death
QUESTION: How come?
ANSWER: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by a Mongolian, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally, sold to you ! THAT, MY FRIEND IS GLOBALIZATION !!

Credits: solid and kevindori

 

Who had the most horrible death?

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he ouldn't
stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

 

Three Wishes

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three wishes.

``First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.''

``Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.''

``And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.''

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation."

Credits: solid and aoshishinomori

 

Einstein's Chauffeur

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

The Old Man and His Son

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. The soil was too hard and the weather was difficult to predict. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig
up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding a single gun. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asking him what to do next.


His son's reply was:
"Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

Picnic Turtles

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic
site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there When they
get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok, Roy give me the bottle
opener. "I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home
without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he
refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and
after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees, So Roy sets off down the road at a steady
pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving,
but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and
just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and
shouts......................................
"I KNEW IT......I'M NOT F*&%ING GOING NOW!"

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

My Fiancee's Mother

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month.
My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a
bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to
just under a hundred ... then she floored me.

She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before
that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up
and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the
front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I
knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the
front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.
He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and
he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought
their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should
I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I
was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Credits: solid, juliet

 

I've Got Everything I Need

A married couple is driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says,

"Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases their speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.

Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He then says, "I want the car, too."

But she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph.

"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Credits: solid, juliet

 

The Engineer -- Dies

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

Sour Macs

Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God ###### liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"

Credits: solid, asoshi_shinomori

 

Letter From Hell

It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Credits: solid, typically_jomi

 

Test of Wills

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that ###### thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

From Korea

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

Credits: solid, aoshi_shinomori

 

Who's the Moron

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself.

[response to the joke: that kid's going to fail]

Credits: solid, snoopypoo, aoshi_shinomori

 

The Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting ready for the 19th hole. Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

(H-Husband, W-Wife)

H: "Hello?"

W: "Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?"

H: "Yes."

W: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat.
It’s absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?"

H: "What’s the price?"

W: "Only $1,000."

H: "Well, okay, go ahead and get it if you like it that much."

W: "Ahh, and I also stopped by a Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H: "What price did he quote you?"

W: "Only $60,000."

H: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

W: "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H: "What?"

W: "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale! Remember the one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, and beachfront property?"

H: "How much are they asking?"

W: "Only $450,000, a magnificent price! and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover."

H: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, just bid up to $450,000. Okay?"

W: "Okay sweetie, thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you."

H: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up and closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The man raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Credits: solid and youngjoon

 

My girlfriend and the computer

A while ago, I bought a computer that can be used to watch TV as well. That day, my girlfriend came to my house. She's a total computer idiot, and can only use ICQ. Of course, she was amazed to know that you can watch TV on the computer.

-"Are you serious?"

-"Oh, it's nothing"

-"That's so cool! I wanna try it too!"

-"Sure. Tell you what, you go ahead and try it out, I'll go get you something to drink."

When I came back, my girlfriend had disappeared. On the monitor were these words......


C:\TV

Bad command or file name

C:\watch TV

Bad command or file name

C:\turn on TV

Bad command or file name

C:\turn on the TV

Bad command or file name

C:\TV turn on

Bad command or file name

C:\turn on
Bad command or file name

C:\I want to watch TV

Bad command or file name

C:\I want to watch channel 6

Bad command or file name

C:\Satellite TV

Bad command or file name

C:\ ......I want to watch TV!!!

Bad command or file name

C:\I'm pissed off now

Bad command or file name

C:\Are you going to let me watch or not?

Bad command or file name

C:\@!$!$!$!~!@~!#~~%%@^@$^@$^$^

Bad command or file name

C:\stupid TV

Bad command or file name

C:\never going to use you again

Bad command or file name

C:\sigh...come on...please....

Bad command or file name

C:\you really not going to work?

Bad command or file name

C:\you really....

Bad command or file name

C:\really not going to work....

Bad command or file name

C:\fine...

Bad command or file name

C:\you're going to regret this

Bad command or file name

C:\format C:

Credit: SumYee and the original source which was not named on that site

 

CompUSA's Mac OS Merchandise

CompUSA's price of the new "PC compatible" Mac OS X Jaguar. I found this on their site on 8/4/02; this is a printscreen.


Click to enlarge

Thanks to SW for the information.

 

Blame People For The Silliness Of Their Language

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writer's write but fingers don't fing, grocer's don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you can comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one, what do you call it?

Since we say teachers taught, why don't we say preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposite, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we only talk about certain things when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

I suppose the answer is that English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

 

Computer Literacy Cartoons

Emailed from RT