Funnies (Lists)

Stuff I found while surfing online or reading emails. Let me know if you think any of these belong in another category.

Answering Machine Messages
50 things we wish girls knew
8 Reasons to date girl soccer players
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Some random facts
50 things girl wish guys knew
Pickup Lines
Did you know...
Great Reasons to be a Guy
Words of Wisdom from Children
Why Men Will Never Win
As A Gentleman Would Say
Ever Wonder~~~~
Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker
Things to Ponder
Differences Between You and Your Boss
Only in America...
That Sums It Up
The World's Easiest Quiz...Not
What's love?
Rulz of Luv
Some Numbers
ºÊº» VS ¤u§@ Prison Vs. Work

Answering Machine Messages

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the
world famous: International Institute of Answering Machine
Answers.

"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished."
Narrator's voice:"There Richard sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) "He-lo! This is Sa-to. If
you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I
call sooner!"
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,
just hold it up to the phone."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their
office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
(Direct approach:) "Who are you and what do you want?"
"You are growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your will power and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us."
"Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .
. . real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

50 things we wish girls knew

We aren’t mind readers!
We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.
When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.
Smoking is the biggest turn off.
It never hurts to work out.
If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the question.
“Fine” or “whatever” is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.
If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn’t already know.)
Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).
Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.
No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.
You don’t need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us.
Girls look good naked so stop worrying.
Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.
We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just let us know.
Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we have the biggest penis you’ve ever dealt with.
If were not getting love we’ll start looking...(haha…just kidding…psych…I’m dead serious)
The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.
Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another person.
If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won’t consider it cheating. Actually we strongly promote this behavior.
Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter inch missing.
You shouldn’t be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when dancing with you. All we need is Friction.
Porn...hmmm...Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it would just be wrong to ask us to stop.
We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can’t explain it but it is just fact.
Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn’t your parents teach you not to quit.
Giving head is never a bad idea.
We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower with us.
There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on top of us. (2) Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast.
We don’t mind going to gay movies with you but don’t tell our friends.
You can’t hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or “Old yeller.”
“The game is on” is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.
You’re probably not as funny as you think.
Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say “he’s so hot” he may have to die.
Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week. (Influenced by a Maxim article)
Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can use a grill.
You can’t get mad if we refuse to hook up your “ugly friend” with one of our friends.
For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.
If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and want to show you off to our friends.
The red light means the video camera is off.
A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.
Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream also Altoids just don’t make your breath fresher.
Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control. (Unless operating means handing it to us.)
The only thing left to be said after sex is “goodnight.”
Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.
Guys nights out are sacred events. If we answer questions we could be castrated.
If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.
The jeans don’t make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass look fat.
99.5% of the time we didn’t mean to hurt you.

Credits: club429 and solid

8 Reasons to date girl soccer players

1. They work wit balls really well;
2. They do it for 90min in 11 diff positions;
3. They like to be on top of their game;
4. They enjoy gettin hot and sweaty;
5. They wear short shorts for easy play;
6. They are used to gettin their knees dirty;
7. They know how to take it up the middle;
8. And they play the field until they score;

Credits: PersiaBlackHole and solid

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex?
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again!
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.

Credits: SHXT ISS SUSAN and solid

Some random facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Credits: SHXT ISS SUSAN and solid

50 things girls wish guys knew

You have to tell a girl how you feel about her...we make no assumptions.
It never hurts to work out...take your own advice.
Girls like sex just as much, if not more than guys.
Not all girls masturbate...we just don't and no we are not lying.
We hate porn.
Hmmmm...guys in Jeeps...yummmm...
Girls need food, water, and compliments to survive.
We think about you all the time.
Being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press.
We may think you are gay if you wear tighty-whities on a regular basis.
Hold our hand.
No backseat drivers...NONE.
Girls generally don't like giving head, so you better be ready to reciprocate if and when you get it.
We are not your all-night restaurant.
Anything we say or do during that 4 days to a week each month cannot be held against us.
If you hold our hand while you are driving we will be thoroughly impressed...especially if it's a stick.
Under no circumstances will we have a threesome.
You look hot in hooded articles of clothing.
If you think for any reason that we don't like you then we probably don't.
Having us over while you and your friends play video games does not count as "quality time".
Just because we groom ourselves on a regular basis does not mean we're high maintanance.
Never comment on how much a girl eats...ever.
Keep in mind that we withold sex when we're mad at you, so you might wanna get around to apologizing...
You just can't force us to like sports...especially those associated with the WWF.
We're typically smarter than you...so get over it and stop whining when we get better grades
than you.
If you do not own a wife-beater, stop reading this list, and go invest in one...right now.
The ability to play the guitar will help you get laid.
We're sorry, Brad Pitt just IS hot...get over it!!!
Walks in the rain, kisses on the forehead, and cooking dinner for us will get you everywhere.
Just because we're in a serious relationship doesn't mean we plan to marry you someday, so stop
being so ###### scared!!!
If you're developing such good finger skills playing video games, you better put them to good use
sometimes.
Anything you do or say to another girl that you wouldn't want us to know about is considered
cheating.
If we can admit that we're wrong, you'd better be able to do the same.
The excuse "I can't dance" is unacceptable...we'll appreciate the simple fact that you're trying.
On that note, if you refuse to dance, expect us to dance with other guys...and lots of them.
Think before you speak...it'll make a world of difference.
Not all girls kiss on the first date, get over it...we're creatures of mystery.
Make fun of our clothes...prepare to die.
We don't always expect you to pay for us, but it doesn't hurt to at least offer everyone once in a
while.
Tell us we're beautiful.
The "little things" in a relationship are really the biggest.
Foreplay isn't something we should have to ask for...it's a prerequisite.
Don't screw us over...especially if we have an older brother or protective guy friends...they will
hunt you down and kill you.
If you're gonna look at other girls, at least make sure we don't see you do it.
Just because we're still just "hanging out" doesn't make it ok to sleep with your ex-girlfriend,
friend with benefits, etc.
No girl just wants to be your "friend with benefits".
We're sensitive too...be gentle (and we're not talking about our hearts here guys).
One word when it comes to smoking...quit.
We reserve the right to hate all of your ex-girlfriends.
If we happen to trip, fall, etc, while wearing the exceptionally high shoes that we love, go ahead
and laugh...we will be...that is unless we hurt ourselves...

Credits solid and laydi_illicit

Pickup Lines

I'd like to take the integral of your curves
Why don't we measure the coefficient of kinetic friction between you and me?
If you were an S-Domain graph, I'd have my pole on your jw-axis (my favorite)
Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy
If we cross product, I'll use the right-hand rule
Can I be your derivative so I can lie tangent to your curves?

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow. (Really...? Let's see about that...)
A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out.
Sshrimp's heart is in their head.
People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetic Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas. (Now that's what I call a patriotic company!)
In average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Rats and horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.
In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Cat's urine glows under a black-light.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. (Whaddya know? You really can't lick your elbow!

Credits: solid and infinity

Great Reasons To Be A Guy

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Gas (at either end) is cool.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Words of Wisdom From Children

Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
Never let your three-year-old brother into the same room with your school assignment. - Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic tac. - Andrew, 9
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Credits: solid and youngjoon

Why Men Will Never Win

~If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.
~If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

~If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
~If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

~If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
~If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

~If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
~If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

~If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
~If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

~If you cry, you are a wimp.
~If you don't, you are insensitive.

~If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
~If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

~If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
~If she asks you, it's a favor.

~If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
~If you don't, you are gay.

~If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
~If you don't, you are unromantic.

~If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
~If you don't, you are a slob.

~If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
~If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

~If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
~If you don't, you are not ambitious.

~If she has a headache, she is tired.
~If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

~If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
~If you don't, there must be someone else.

As A Gentleman Would Say

~When A Gentleman Runs Into A Friend Who Has Been Fired From His Job~

He does not say:
"How long before you're in financial trouble?"
"What kind of severance package did you get?"
"Are you going to sue?"
"I wish I could get fired. I'd love to live on unemployment for a while."

But he does say:
"I hear you've left the bank. How are things going?"

~When A Gentleman's Friend Announces That He or She Is Getting A Divorce~

He does not say:
"Who's having the affair?"
"Who's getting the Lexus?"
"I told people this would never work out."
"I know somebody who's perfect for you."
"How about dinner and a movie on Friday?"

But he does say:
"I'm sorry to hear that. Are you doing okay?"

~When A Gentleman Is Paying For Dinner And His Guests Suggests Ordering The Most Expensive Bottle of Wine on the Menu...~

He does not say:
"Whoa! Have you forgotten who's paying for this?"
"Okay, but it means you can't have dessert."
"Guess nobody's ever gonna call you a cheap date."

But he does say:
"I was thinking about having one of the Californias; They're a little more within my price range."

~When A Coworker Tells A Gentleman That He Or She Is Being Treated For Depression Or Some Other Mental Illness~

He does not say:
"Does the boss know about this?"
"Did they start you on pills yet?"
"You're not having to see a shrink, are you?"
"I understand. This place drives me crazy too."

But he does say:
"Thank you for telling me about this. If I can help in any way, please let me know."

~When A Gentleman Is Turned Down For A Date...~

He does not say:
"Okay, then what about next Friday?"
"What's the matter? Am I being too pushy?"
"But I thought you said you liked pro wrestling."
"Well, you certainly don' know what you're missing."
"Bitch!"

But he does say:
"I understand. Maybe we can do something together some other time."

~When A Gentleman Has Difficulty Understanding A Person Who Has A Foreign Accent--Or A Speech Impediment...~

He does not say:
"Isn't there some kind of sign language you people use?"
"What's the matter? Don't they speak English where you come from?"
"Wow. You must really have a hard time using the telephone."

But he does say:
"I hope you'll pardon me as I want us to be able to have this conversation, but I'm having a hard time understanding you."

~If A Gentleman Notices, Mid-Conversation, That Another Gentleman's Fly Is Open...~
"Look out, Bob, the barn door's open."
"So, I see Mary Jane gave you red silk boxers for Valentine's Day."
"You know, you could get arrested for walking around that way in Utah."

But he does say:
"Jim, your fly is open."

~When A Gentleman's Evening is Interrupted By A Telemarketer...~

He does not say:
"How does it feel to spend your life irritating people?"
"Give me your home number. I want to call you tomorrow night when you're trying to have dinner."
"Is this the only job you could get?"

But he does say:
"No thanks. Don't call me again. Good night."

~When A Gentleman Receives An Unexpected Holiday Gift From A Friend For Whom He Has Not Bought A Present...~

He does not say:
"What are you doing giving me a present? I didn't get you anything."
"I already got your package. I just haven't had time to get it wrapped."
"Golly, I feel like dirt."

But he does say:
"Thanks. Aren't you kind to think of me?"

~When A Gentleman's Friend's Pet Has Died...~

He does not say:
"Did you have to put him to sleep?"
"Well, he was pretty old for a dog."
"Aren't you glad you can get a new puppy?"
"I can't believe how upset you are. After all, it was just a cat."

But he does say:
"I'm sorry about Fluffy. I know she meant a lot to you."

~When A Friend Tells A Gentleman That His Or Her Child (Or Sibling) Is Gay, And The Gentleman Is Not Sure Whether The Family Is Happy About The Revelation...~

He does not say:
"Maybe it's just a phase."
"I always thought he [or she] was sort of an oddball."
"I'm so sorry. I know you always wanted grandchildren."
"Well, at least you'll never have to hire a decorator."

But he does say:
"Michael (or Sue) is a wonderful person. That's the thing that really matters."

~When A Friend Tells A Gentleman That He Is Gay Or That She Is A Lesbian...~

He does not say to him:
"Well, thats fine. Just don't get any ideas about me."
"Funny, you don't act gay."
"As if everybody didn't already know."

He does not say to her:
"But you're so feminine."
"I bet the right man could change that."
"What a shame."

But he does say:
"I'm glad you feel comfortable telling me that."

Ever Wonder~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

~~~~~

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

From RT

Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes-- three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. "Somehow" gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...
1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

From http://www.cryptersplace.com/

Things to Ponder

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect? (what do they have in common?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss', Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.
How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive then why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work on snowy mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by truck, it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it that, they can't make an airplane out of the same material as that little black box data recorder?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?
Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?
Why do they put headlights on cement trucks, they don't drive them at night.
If a Donky is an ass and a ram is a goat, why is a ram in the ass a goose?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

From http://www.netgrab.com/fun/members/ponder2/

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, your slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When you don't do it, your lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is on a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, your overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a few rules of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

Only in America...

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

That Sums It Up

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -before marriage and after marriage.

The World's Easiest Quiz...Not

How long did the Hundred Years War last?
Which country makes Panama hats?
From which animal do we get catgut?
In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
What is a camel's hair brush made of?
The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
What was King George VI's first name?
What color is a purple finch?
Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Answers To The Quiz:

116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
Ecuador.
From sheep and horses.
November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
Squirrel fur.
The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
Distinctively crimson.
New Zealand
Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

What's love?

To my friends who are...SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it eludes you.
But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy and often it hurts,
But love's only special, when you give it to someone
who's really worth it.
So take your time and choose the best!

To my friends who are...NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn't about becoming someone else's "perfect person".
It's about finding someone who helps you become
the best person you can be!

To my friends who are...PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say I love you if you dun care.
Never talk about feelings if they aren't really there.
Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart.
Never say you will, if u dun plan to start.
Never look in the eye, if all you do is lie.
The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let
her fall in love when he doesn't intend to
catch her fall...and it works both ways...

To my friends who are...MARRIED
Love is not about "its your fault", but "I'm sorry", not "where are you",
but "I'm right here", not "how could you",
but "I understand", not "I wish you were here",
but "I'm thankful you're here".

To my friends who are....ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years
spent together but how good you are for each other.

To my friends who are...HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks lasts as long as you want
and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks,
but to learn from them.

To my friends who are...NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but dun stumble,
be consistent but not persistent, share and never be unfair,
understand and try not to demand and get hurt,
but never keep the pain.

To my friends who are...POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else.
But it's more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy being with you!

To my friends who are...AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone.
It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you.
But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To my friends who are...STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't worth it.
If he's not worth it now, he's not going to be worth it in a year
Or ten years from now...Let go!

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains.
As long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits.
As long as we have friendship, each day is never a waste!

From a person's homepage on AsianAvenue, forgot who

Rulz of Luv

Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss....

Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
Kiss on the neck... I want you
Kiss on the lips... I love you
Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
Look in your eyes ... kiss me
Playing with your hair... I can`t live without you
Hand on your waist... I love you too much to let you go

Article 2: The Three Steps....

Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
Guy and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare

Article 3: The Commandments....

Thou shall not squeeze to hard.
Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one.
Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.

From a person's homepage on AsianAvenue, forgot who, got it around year 2000

Some Numbers

12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections.

ºÊº» VS ¤u§@ Prison Vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A¤j³¡¤Àªº®É¥ú®ø¯Ó¦b¤@Ó 8¤Ø¼ 10¤Øªº©Ð¶¡¤¤
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8' cubicle.
¦b¤u§@®É¡A§A¤j³¡¤Àªº®É¥ú®ø¯Ó¦b¤@Ó 6¤Ø¼ 8¤Øªº¤p¤è®æªÅ¶¡¤¤

In prison you get three meals a day.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A¤@¤Ñ§K¶O¶i¹¤TÀ\¡C
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§A·|±o¨ì¤@Ó¥ð®§®É¶¡¶i¹¤@À\¡A¦ý§A¥²¶·¥I¿úÁÊ¶R¡C

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A·|¦]¬°ªí²{¨}¦n¦Ó±o¨ì¥ð®§¡C
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
¦b¤u§@¤¤¡A§A·|¦]¬°ªí²{¨}¦n¦Ó±o¨ì§ó¦hªº¤u§@¡C

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A¦³Äµ½Ã¨C¤Ñ´À§A¶}Âê¥´¶}ªù¡A¥H¤Î´À§AÃöªù¤WÂê¡C
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door youself.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§A¥²¶·±aµÛ«O¥þÃÑ§O¥d¡A´À¦Û¤v¶}Ãö©Ò¦³ªºªù¡C

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A¥i¥H¬Ý¹qµø¥H¤Îª±¹CÀ¸¡C
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
¦b¤u§@¤¤¡A§A¦pªG¬Ý¹qµø©Îª±¹CÀ¸¡A§A·|³Q¶}°£¡C

In prison you get your own toilet.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A¦³¦Û¤vªº«K±í¡C
At work you have to share.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§A»Ýn©M§O¤H¤À¨É´Z©Ò¡C

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A¥LÌ¤¹³\©pªº®a¤H¤ÎªB¤Í¨Ó±´µø§A¡C
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§A¬Æ¦Ü¤£ã©M©pªº®a¤H¤ÎªB¤Í½Í¸Ü¡C

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§Aªº¶}¾P¥Ñ©Ò¦³ªº¯Çµ|¤Ht¾á¡C
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisons.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§A¥²»Ý¤ä¥I¦Û¤v©Ò¦³ªº¶}¾P¡A¦Ó¬F©²±q©pªºÁ~¤ô¤¤¦©µ|¡A¥H«K¤ä¥IºÊº»¥Ç¤Hªº¶}¾P

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A§A¾ã¤Ñ¦ÛÅKÄæ§ý¡]BARS¡^¦V¥~±i±æ¡A´Á«Ý¦¤é¥X¥h¡C
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
¦b¤u§@¤¤¡A§A¾ã¤Ñ´Á«Ý¦¨Ç¥X¥h¡A¥H«K¶i¤J°s§a¡]BARS¡^

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
¦bºÊº»¤¤¡A¨åº»ªø³q±`¬O´Ý»Å¦¨©Êªº¡C
At work they are called managers.
¦b¤u§@´Á¶¡¡A§ÚÌºÙ³oºØ¤H¥s°µ¸g²z¡C

Emailed from RT